Originally aired February 24, 2009.

The gang is still in the Hamptons and Bethenny is staying at Jill’s for the summer. I love watching these golden Jill and Bethenny friendship years. You can tell they were genuine friends, making the fallout even harder to watch later on. Considering Bethenny’s upbringing, being able to have such a close relationship with not only Jill, but her family, must have felt really fulfilling. I enjoyed watching them girl talk on Jill’s bed, Bethenny giving Ally a tearful goodbye as she jets off to Paris for the summer, and especially watching Bethenny get some one-on-one time with Jill’s mom, Gloria. Gloria tells Bethenny that she does not have to live her life as a tortured soul.

We get another classic Van Kempen shopping trip, where we have to suffer through Simon describing how much he loves Alex’s body. The two drop a few thousand before heading to the beach, while their two boys are back at the rental in the pool. Alex says Francois wanted to come to the beach “but he does not understand that these are not the beaches of St. Barths.” I mean, you simply cannot write characters like this!

We only get a small tidbit of Kelly as she goes to the Hugo Boss party. She says she has to go to all of these parties because she writes a column for Page Six called The Socializer. I tried finding an archive of these columns but had no luck. I did find her blog for that week here. (Remember when Bravo made the ladies write a blog?)

Later in the episode, LuAnn is honored by the American Cancer Society at their Denim and Diamonds event. (Although, when I looked out across the tent of people I saw nary a denim nor hardly a diamond…) LuAnn can barely hear her name being honored because she is too busy complaining that they referred to her as LuAnn and not Countess. Next thing you know, she grabs the microphone from the presenter and starts telling everyone in the tent that they have to be quiet. Cringe!

Ramona and Bethenny can really make television magic together. The two go to lunch together and they discuss Bethenny’s relationship problems. As you may have guessed, she and Jason have broken up. Ramona brings a copy of a Cosmopolitan issue where she wrote an article on her “manhandling tips.” Here is her advice for single gals:

Don't wait for Kevin Costner. Overly discriminating women wind up spending Saturday night with a container of Haagen-Dazs. Since there simply aren't enough Fortune 500 CEOs with washboard stomachs and great personalities to go around, lower your standards and forget about meeting a movie star or model. Dates need not be handsome or serious marriage material; they must simply want to share a pleasant evening with you.

Be a consummate flirt. You can meet men anywhere, anytime, by acting friendly and nonjudgmental, smiling, and making eye contact. You'd be amazed at the number of women who wear frowns of blasé expressions as a sort of protective mirror.

Take his number and say you'll call him. This way, you won't have to wait by the phone! Yes, it's hard to make the first move, but being in control does wonderful things for the ego! (Men have known this little secret for centuries.)

Say no to last-minute plans. If a super hunk calls at 8:00 P.M. on a Thursday to ask you out for Friday night, even though you're dying to accept and have nothing else to do say, "I'm sorry, I'd love to see you, but I always make plans for the weekend by Wednesday." If he's even remotely interested, he'll call earlier next week.

Work on your bod. Taking control of weight, muscle tone, and overall figure can improve your self-confidence, which makes it easier to take control of your life.

Don't "do it" right away, even though you're lusting for him. If you make love on a first date, the only thing you'll learn is that you both like sex but you'll have no idea how you feel about each other. I'm not suggesting you become a first-class tease, but do try to remember how exciting it is simply to kiss.

Tell him you can't sleep over because... his pillow gives you a stiff neck... your cat gets lonesome... you're allergic to his bathroom tile. Even if his place is more of a hovel than a home, he'll probably prefer that you spend the night on his turf where he feels comfortable. But constantly consenting to do that is a mistake, because it gives him all the power. About half the time, you should say you'd rather stay home. Alone. Soon, he'll be aching to spend the night in your bed! When he does, make him feel welcome: Stock his favorite CDs, keep a beer mug chilled in the freezer, and give him a smidgen of room in your closet for business suits.

Never talk about other men. Making a man jealous by mentioning things you've done or places you've gone with his rivals almost always backfires. He'll start talking about all of his girlfriends.

Be observant when you visit his mother. Your beau's attitude towards his mom speaks volumes about the way he treats women. If he loves spending time with her, values her opinions, and listens when she speaks, he's a winner.

Don't cohabitate. You're already sharing a home with your man and the setup is fabulous? Good for you! But I believe that living together often undermines your chance of getting married. Live-in lovers enjoy sex and the many little pleasures of domestic life - without any motivation to make a commitment.

To be honest, I was ready to make fun but these are some pretty solid tips. (Except for the part about making room in your closet.)

Funniest Moment: Bethenny looking at a bodybuilding photo says, “Who wants to look like this person?” before realizing it was a photo of Ramona.

Cheers! 🥂

Originally aired February 17, 2009.

Season 2 Taglines: The taglines have not changed since last season, but we did get the addition of Kelly! Here’s a tagline refresher:

Alex: “To a certain group of people in New York, status is everything.”
LuAnn: “I never feel guilty about being privileged.”
Bethenny: “New York City is my playground.”
Jill: “I run with a fabulous circle of people.”
Ramona: “I like making my own money. I find that an aphrodisiac.”
Kelly: “I’ve created a great life and I love living it.”

We kick off season two with Jill and Bethenny in the Hamptons. Bethenny brings out the infamous New York Post issue. I believe it’s this one. In the article, Jill says this about Alex and Simon: “I do not speak to those two. First of all, he drinks too much. And is very insulting. And they are not invited to my July Fourth party in the Hamptons, which is very big and which is my fifth annual and which everybody wants to come to. She and I will keep doing the show, of course, but I will have nothing to do with her otherwise.” It is no surprise that the Van Kempens were not pleased. I kind of loved how passive-aggressive Alex was regarding this whole situation. “I sometimes think that I wanna hug [Jill] and tell her she needs to go home and write on her mirror in lipstick, ‘I’m good enough’.”

Jill calls Alex to apologize. Of course, it’s not really an apology, is it? Jill eventually does say the words “I’m sorry,” but they are quickly followed by, “The way [the journalist] wrote it came across as not nice.” Jill says she overreacted and Alex says there is a difference between overreacting and lying. Again, instead of apologizing, Jill doubles down and says there was an instance where he drank too much at a party and fell three times. Like Alex says, getting drunk at one party does not make a drinking problem. Jill says she only talked to the Post because she was upset at what Simon said in their New York Magazine article. (“Jill is from Long Island, and boy, that shows,” which to someone like Jill, is derogatory.) Alex hits the nail on the head when she says that Jill was jealous that Alex and Simon got a feature and she didn’t. (We get another offensive “oh no she di-in’t” from Bethenny here.)

Later, Alex and Simon are getting ready to go to the Hamptons where they will run into Jill at the Social Life Magazine party and eventually clear the air. They rent a cute little farmhouse which I guess we’re supposed to think is a small, dilapidated shack, but personally, I loved it. As it turns out, the house is owned by a local masseuse, Gina, who just so happened to be giving Jill a massage and divulged that she was renting to them. That has producer set-up written all over it!

We are then introduced to our new Housewife — love her or hate her — Kelly Killoren Bensimon. I’ve been looking forward to rewatching Kelly because I remember her being a total looney tune. Upon first watch, I could never quite get a handle on her, and at one point, she was one of my least favorite Housewives of all time. She introduces herself as a model and an author. She has written a handful of books; a novel, a diet book and a couple of fashion coffee table books. She graduated from Columbia University and got an MBA at Northeastern University. On paper, Kelly appears to be a true New York elite — beautiful, educated, successful, divorced from a top-tier fashion photographer! But it makes you wonder, why does she come across as such an unlikable ditsy, weirdo on television?

On 30 Rock, they introduce a concept called the “Bubble Theory”, which is essentially the idea that very attractive people exist in a bubble where they can get away with things and avoid consequences that the average person cannot. I fear this theory applies to Kelly Bensimon. Luckily for us, this bubble will burst over the course of the next two seasons, mostly thanks to Bethenny who clocks her bullshit immediately. Hold tight!

All the ladies show up to the Help for Orphans fundraiser, or “party” as Kelly keeps calling it, and everyone appears to be getting along. That is until Ramona leaves without saying goodbye…

Funniest Moment: Who was this queen with the gold lipstick at the fundraiser? When LuAnn says, “You have a little gold lipstick on your teeth,” she replies, “I know” and takes a sip of her skinny margarita.

Cheers! 🥂

Originally aired April 22, 2008

Our first RHONY reunion! I went through some archives to find out what the press was saying in 2008 as the show was airing. This NYT article was published after the first episode and says, “They are not chic, not even LuAnn, whose husband, Alexandre, is a French count. The housewives are hungry for attention, and even a bit desperate…” Yikes, lol.

“The show’s allure isn’t sex or even social climbing, it is spending. Alex, whose husband, Simon, is the general manager of a boutique hotel in midtown Manhattan, is the most risqué: she invites the camera to record the pair having their toenails clipped during a his-and-hers pedicure at a salon, frolicking on the beach in his-and-hers micro bathing suits and shopping for evening gowns in St. Bart’s, a spree in which Simon helps Alex select shoes and handbags. They even reveal the exact value of their $2.2 million Brooklyn townhouse. (Most of the other couples more demurely choose real estate striptease: beneath the awning of Jill’s high-rise the show superimposes a banner, “Avg. 4 Bedroom Condo Upper East Side $4.4 million.”)” Damn, even the NYT was dragging their asses.

Another article from Harper’s Bazaar writes, “How to account for the country's fascination with the hit show, which plays like a five-car pileup on the freeway? The women can be so vicious, so pretentious, so vacuous, and pinpricked to distraction by their own imperfections, yet they have been savvy enough to snatch fame and its accompanying rewards. Somehow all the ingredients of good television are here; the show has succeeded in ways every Sex and the City sequel-type series has failed.”

It’s no surprise that there were mixed feelings about the show. Society writer Debbie Bancroft said, "This is not aspirational viewing. I don't remember Nan and Tommy Kempner frolicking on their beach in their thongs. I don't remember Babe Paley taking tennis lessons with her shirtless trainer. The idea of these women being anything like how we think of socialites is absolutely ludicrous." Damn.

But Manhattan socialite Marjorie Gubelmann said, "I find the whole show extremely educational. It's a side of New York I've never seen before." She can't help but tune in: "The show is highly amusing. All of my friends are addicted to it."

Alex:

• We kick off the reunion with Alex and Simon’s disastrous townhome. I think people completely understand the concept of renovating a home, but what was shocking was her having guests over and not mentioning it at all. Not even a simple “I’m so sorry for the mess, we’re renovating!” The ladies bring up good points about how Alex and Simon appear to be putting on airs all around town when their house is unfinished. “Before shopping at Cavalli, maybe finish the house first,” says LuAnn. Alex stood her ground and was completely unbothered. She said the whole thing was “silly.” The problem with Alex is that she desperately wants to be cool and relaxed, but she’s an anxious mess and came in over-rehearsed with her guard up. “A very wise woman once wrote that if you see what you think is a contradiction, check your premises, because one of them is wrong.” Huh? Blank stares all around.

• After seven whole episodes of looking like pretentious try-hard wannabes, Alex and Simon somehow manage to make themselves look even worse during this reunion. They both blame everything on editing and get super defensive while simultaneously claiming that they aren’t bothered by the criticism.

• One thing I had completely forgotten about was that Alex had three sets of nude photos released during the show’s airing. Ramona gets so worked up over this conversation that she walks out. She claims she has to “go to the ladies’ room” but it’s because she doesn’t want to be associated with nude photos. Andy asks the ladies if they would ever pose for Playboy, a dumb question tbh. Alex says she doesn’t know and the others all say no. “I’m the spokesperson for Pepperidge Farm and Health Magazine, I don’t think that’s exactly America’s wholesome girl,” says Bethenny. I guess it doesn’t matter that she’s been mainlining tequila all season long…

Ramona:

• Ramona gives us her soon-to-be classic non-apology, which she ends up taking back when Jill doesn’t immediately accept it. Because that’s how apologies work! Every time this girl’s night comes into conversation, Ramona adds a new layer of lies to the web. This time, it was that someone in her family was extremely ill, and that meant she had to go out with her real girlfriends to take her mind off of it. lol okay!

Jill:

• Regarding the Luca Luca show, Jill says she doesn’t care if she is seated in the front, second or third row, but that she dresses differently if she knows she is in the front. She claims she was already in a bad mood and that the seating arrangement gave her an excuse to leave early. Raise your hand if you’re buying that excuse!

• This is the second time I’ve noticed Bethenny say a very common phrase and Jill acts like she just made it up. “Check yourself before you wreck yourself.” "and “Go big or go home.” — I’m pretty sure these were common phrases, even in 2008. You can tell we’re heading into peek Jill and Bethenny’s friendship.

• This piece from Harper’s Bazaar, published after the show aired, says “Ally lost a few friends at school when Jill planned a birthday party for her at Tao and parents canceled the night before, not wanting their children to appear on a reality show. Jill feels guilty but notes that Ally is "very secure in herself" in spite of Mom's terrifyingly public efforts to get her to lose weight.”

Bethenny:

• Like I’ve said before, Bethenny understands the assignment of being on reality television and this reunion is no exception. She knows her strengths and brings them. She is down-to-earth and authentic, even crying when the topic of having children comes up. (I do laugh a little every time she says she never cries, despite having seen her cry multiple times on this show.)

LuAnn:

• Much like Bethenny, LuAnn also excels at reunions, but it’s not because she’s authentic. It’s because she’s able to bullshit quite easily and so elegantly that she remains unflappable no matter what.

• The same Harper’s Bazaar piece as above published this about LuAnn: “Though her husband's great-great-grandfather Ferdinand claimed that Napoléon I conferred the title of count on his father in 1815, LuAnn de Lesseps has a title that "appears to have no genuine origin," according to aristocracy expert Guy Stair Sainty via e-mail from London.” lol…

Cheers! 🥂

Originally aired April 15, 2008

It’s the season one finale! LuAnn and Bethenny are a the Habitat for Humanity event to raise funds for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. They run into Alex and Simon at the event and they all discuss Ramona’s weird behavior at the dinner party. LuAnn asks if Simon knew it was going to be all women and he lies through his teeth. Alex says she doesn’t understand the concept of “girl’s nights out” and “boy’s nights out” and that it’s about gender equality. Girl, if you don’t…

We get several small vignettes in this episode:

• Jill takes Ally to Zarin Fabric and Home Furnishings for her “internship.” You can imagine how well that goes. I feel bad for her that she had to learn to use a phone.

• Simon heads to Australia after a death in his family. That leaves Alex alone (can you imagine?) to take François to his academic evaluation.

• Bethenny does a birthday lunch at the horse race tracks with, I guess, her dad’s race track friends? It’s weird that she hangs out with her dad’s friends while having no relationship with her dad. One of them gifts her a lingerie-esque lace top. The level of inappropriateness cannot be computed.

• Ramona and a friend get some Botox and skin-tightening. “If you work on it…you can look younger than your chronicle age is.” I think she meant chronological but does even that make sense?

• LuAnn says being a Countess comes with responsibilities so she walks us through her philanthropy efforts, specifically the SoHo Partnership (now rebranded to ACE). From what I gather, this organization provides job training, work experience and support for the homeless. LuAnn helps a woman practice her interviewing skills. LuAnn says she’s surprised at how well put-together the woman was. “She doesn’t look like a drug-person.” You gotta laugh!

• Bethenny talks about finally moving into a new apartment with Jason downtown. It’s hard not to get eye-roll-y during these conversations simply because we all know where this is going — absolutely nowhere. Jill comes with Bethenny to look at apartments. Already not a good sign that Jason isn’t with them…

Jill hosts a holiday party for the ladies and their families, but Ramona is late. She says she wanted to look extra nice for the dinner so she brags about hiring a glam team to do her hair and makeup. Remember when that was a novel concept? Tensions continue to rise between Ramona and Jill, despite Ramona being sickly sweet — but that doesn’t last long. Ramona simply can’t help herself. She drills Alex about being co-dependent and is surprised that after nine days without Simon, she didn’t go out once. To be fair, Alex has two young children. Even I go nine days without partying, sometimes. It’s not that crazy! Alex tries to be polite but Ramona will not let it go. On top of that, Alex and Simon’s kids are wreaking havoc on the restaurant. François just starts screaming — not a tantrum, just smiling and screaming at the top of his lungs. He’s going up to other people’s food and smashing his toys on it. He’s rubbing Jason’s bald head. It was absolutely wild. Ramona judges their parenting out loud, and I hate to say it, but I was Team Ramona on that one. At the end, the ladies take a group picture and we get the classic freeze-frame follow-ups. We even get a little shout-out to the show’s original name, Manhattan Moms.

And that’s a wrap on season one! Rewatching it, I was trying to put myself in the shoes of someone watching this first-hand, back in 2008. By the time I joined the Housewives train, it was already an established, well-oiled machine. Part of the reason I was able to enjoy this season is that I can pick up on the dramatic irony of Ramona and Mario, or that I know the ups and downs that LuAnn is about to face, or that scrappy Bethenny is going to sell her Skinnygirl cocktail line for a $100 million. Kudos to those who watched this in 2008 and stuck with it! Who could’ve guessed that all of this would turn into the Housewives we know and love today?

Cheers! 🥂

Originally aired April 8, 2008

Alex and Simon get ready to go to the opening night at the MET. Alex wears the dress we see them buy in St. Barts in an earlier episode and she really does look amazing. They were so worried about being late, as they wanted enough time to walk the red carpet. Unfortunately, due to New York City traffic, they had to get out of their limo and walk several blocks instead. The editors show them walking “the red carpet”, along with a bunch of other normies and zooming in on the paparazzi with their cameras down. So shady! Later at lunch with their kids, they scan the style section of the New York Times for a photo of Alex. They find a photo of the back of her dress.

Bethenny and LuAnn are on their way to dinner and we get the iconic moment of when Bethenny introduces LuAnn to the driver by her first name. LuAnn, horrified, whispers to her in the backseat that she should be introduced as Mrs. DeLesseps to the underlings. Bethenny is clearly annoyed by that — as we all would have been — and in her confessional says LuAnn should “get over herself.” We’re also introduced to the famous Skinny Girl margarita; Patron silver on the rocks, fresh lime juice and a splash of Triple Sec.

Later, Bethenny is hosting a girl’s night dinner party at Jill’s apartment. Naturally, Alex asks if Simon can come. (We all have this friend… 🙄) Bethenny says if he wears a cocktail dress, he can come. When Ramona shows up and finds out that Simon is coming, she explodes. I think this is the first time we see Ramona in full Ramona mode! She went on about how she was looking forward to a girl’s night and that having a man there changes the dynamics. As Bethenny put it, “She wasn’t going to be happy until he was dead.” While the ladies (and I, for that matter) technically agreed with her, I imagine that was extremely uncomfortable for everyone else. While Bethenny is consoling Ramona in the kitchen, Alex can be overhead saying “Not everyone has a good marriage.”

While eating, they have a hilarious conversation about class. In a way, the ladies were hinting that Ramona doesn’t have class. (“Class is making the people around you feel comfortable,” says LuAnn.) Ramona abruptly gets up before dessert and says she has to go. She pretends to answer her phone and says she’s going to a club downtown. Finally, some real drama! Once she leaves, Bethenny makes an inappropriate and uncomfortable “oh no she di-in’t” impression…

Later, Ramona and Bethenny spot each other at the Gotham party where Ramona apologizes(?) to Bethenny for running out of her dinner party. It’s not much of an apology, considering she follows it up with a lie saying she ‘forgot’ to tell everyone she had to leave at 9:30. Bethenny wasn’t buying it, but she lets it slide. She agrees to teach Ramona how to make some hors d'oeuvres. They go back inside and Ramona loses herself on the dancefloor.

We end the episode with Bethenny attending François’ birthday party at Alex and Simon’s Brooklyn townhome, which is in shambles due to renovations. Bethenny says thank god it was her that showed up and not the other ladies. “I don’t know what they would’ve done.” Part of me really wishes we could’ve seen that.

Favorite moment: Ramona coming home saying “It’s raining cats and buckets outside.”

Cheers! 🥂

Originally aired April 1, 2008

Bethenny and Alex meet up at the market mere minutes after her break up with Jason. We get the rundown of their conversation post-last episode. Basically, Jason wasn’t sure if he would be ready to have a kid in the next two years, which does not align with Bethenny’s timeline. Simon and Alex feel bad, so they invite her to Alex’s birthday party on a boat. The boat thing was weird — so they have a few drinks with friends on a stationary boat and then they have a private dinner on the boat just the two of them? Look, it’s not how I would have planned a boat party. Anyway, Bethenny later jets off to Miami to take her mind off of Jason. Who is this bitch friend she’s with? “Your eggs are getting old and stale.” What a cunt…

Ramona is chaperoning Avery’s school dance and taking her and a few of her friends to get their hair done. Avery’s friend, Becky, deserves a spotlight. She was cracking me up! She waxes poetic about how Avery’s mom is the coolest, which you know Ramona was just eating up. She takes the girls for tea after and Ramona gives them boy advice. Oh, lord…

Later, Avery goes to work with her dad at the family business, True Faith Jewelry. We get a glimpse of Ramona’s upbringing in this episode when she talks to Avery about working hard and making her own money. Her mother was not in a great marriage with four children, but every time she tried to leave her father would tell her she had no money and nowhere to go. Because of this, her mother pushed Ramona to always make her own money because financial security equals freedom. Sad but true!

Jill sets up a doggy playdate with a trainer for her and LuAnn’s dogs. This scene was triggering for me because I felt like this dog trainer was talking to me instead of Jill. No chicken treats? No sleeping on the bed? Get this hack outta here! Jill was so me in this moment. “Why have an animal if they can’t sleep with you?” We cut back to Ginger later in the episode, where she has made absolutely zero progress.

Favorite moment: Ginger Zarin licking up Jill’s nose. She just like me, for real!

Cheers! 🥂

Originally aired March 25, 2008

We open with Jill on her way to have lunch with Bethenny, Alex and LuAnn. I loved this scene because we finally get all the ladies, minus Ramona, together for the first time. It’s fascinating to see how the ladies interact this early on. I’m thrilled to see Alex without Simon glued to her hip. “It was definitely something different for me to go out without Simon,” but it sounds like Simon wasn’t going down without a fight. Jill said he even offered to wear a dress in order to come. Despite not having her right-hand man with her, Alex hits it off swimmingly with LuAnn! I was surprised since we know how this friendship ends in a few seasons time. (“You came after me, in your Herman Munster shoes…”) Also, is anyone surprised Alex did theatre at Northwestern? She gives major theatre kid energy (derogatory).

Jill says she’s “not really a girls’ night out kind of girl,” which the editors set up beautifully as a foil to Ramona, who we see going out with her friends and raving about how much she loves being around her girlfriends. A group of men come to hit on Ramona and her friends in the most ass-backward way only a man could — by first calling them beautiful and then playfully insulting them. Isn’t misogyny fun? One of the men is no other than Mr. Tom “Please Don’t Let It Be About Tom” D’Agostino. Unfortunately, this will not be the last time we see this man…

Alex says her and Simon’s favorite thing is meeting interesting people “who move in higher and higher circles in society.” Once again, Alex and Simon are not beating the social climber accusations… They later go to dinner with Jill and Bobby to discuss Jill’s connections with a private pre-K they desperately want to send their oldest to. I couldn’t help but notice the restaurant they were in had black leather booths with silver chains on the walls. Why was this place decorated like a cheap sex dungeon? Anyway, Jill is absolutely eating it up that these two are foaming at the mouth for her connections. “I like to think of myself as a connector.” Jill is suggesting they come up with a kid-friendly, less ass-kicking-inducing nickname for their son, François. She’s not wrong!

But my favorite moment of the lunch is Jill’s interview where she says, “St. Barts is the place to be in high season, not in low season, and they’re telling me they went in August. I’m paying $2,000 a night for a room that they’re paying, like, $300 a night for.” She’s such a bitch, lol.

Bethenny is going to a Mexican culinary event produced by her business partner. We meet Lee, the CEO of a liquor company that sold Grey Goose for $2 billion, who she met through her father. Bethenny’s father was a horse trainer and a gambling addict. “He’s never, ever showed me a glimmer of love. Ever.” According to Bethenny, one minute they would have a big house, fancy cars, boarding school, and the next there would be no food in the house with the furniture all sold off to pay his debts. While not discounting her childhood trauma at all, it is worth noting that the connections her father and step-father had did eventually help make her brand, Skinnygirl, take off. Back in her apartment, Bethenny and a friend get sloshed on lychee martinis and discuss her relationship with Jason. She wants them to be living together in the next six months and with the help of some lychee liquid courage, she brings it up to him over dinner… Let’s just say, we may only be four episodes in, but we’re watching the beginning of the end for these two.

LuAnn goes downtown for a night out with her 23-year-old niece, Nicole. Here we see the slightest glimmer of the LuAnn we know and love today; a party girl! (“At least once a week I say to myself, “I want to be Nicole!””) That being said, you can’t take the Upper East Side out of the girl. LuAnn was unimpressed with the downtown ambiance but was happy to be seen where young, hip people were. Oh, we also get another 2008 relic; Nicole’s brown satin headband over the forehead. I can’t…

While LuAnn is out on the town, we catch up with her housekeeper, Rosanna, and the kids. 10-year-old Noel is upset that his mom is going out since all his friend’s parents are home every night, and Rosanna is telling Victoria that she needs to be nicer to her parents. “That’s how it is here in New York, housekeepers or a nanny raise the kids. Parents, they just want it to be easy on their part and have fun.” I know Rosanna is right, and there’s no doubt that kids need their parents around, but part of me is like… let LuAnn live! I don’t necessarily think mothers should be forced to give up their identity just to become a Suzy Homemaker. Of course, this is coming from a childless spinster, so take what I say with a pinch of salt.

Later, we visit Ramona who is still on her Stage Mom schtick. She says Avery tells her, “Why am I not in that movie? Why am I not on TV?” Okay, Veruca Salt! Avery ends up getting an audition for a Meryl Streep movie. (I was trying to figure out what movie it could have been. Maybe Doubt?) Despite what Ramona says, Avery has mixed feelings about pursuing acting and the management company is picking up on that. If it’s between Meryl Streep and school, it seems like Avery prefers the classroom.

Favorite moment: Jill saying “the Countess’ kids have lice”… Honestly, this was kind of a boring episode of television.

Cheers! 🥂

Originally aired March 18, 2008.

Summer is over and we’re back to the city! LuAnn is helping her kids unpack from the Hamptons. And by “help” I mean directing their housekeeper, Rosanna. Later, LuAnn and her daughter, Victoria, are picking out outfits to wear to the Seventeen Magazine party later that night. LuAnn looks amazing in her lime green sequin mini dress over jeans with strappy sandals. That is sooo 2008!

Jill goes back to school shopping with Ally and her “gay husband”, Brad. (“I do everything with Brad that I do with my husband, except ‘you know what.’”) Jill fights with Ally in the dressing room, a triggering scene for any woman who has ever had to shop with their mother. Ally wants to find a dress for the Seventeen Magazine party that night, but Jill says they need to focus on finding her clothes for school. In the end, Ally racks up about $2000 worth of clothes. “I don’t think it’s a classy thing to talk about money,” says Jill. Yeah, right…

A throughline of this episode is raising children in New York and the private versus public school of it all. It makes sense considering the show was originally supposed to be titled Manhattan Moms before it was quickly rebranded to be the second installment of the Real Housewives franchise. LuAnn talks about using the de Lesseps name to get her kids into a good private school, Jill mentions how expensive New York private schools are, Ramona says she sends Avery to an all-girls school, and we see Alex and Simon are about to send their oldest to their sixteenth school choice — a public pre-k. (The horror!)

Alex gets invited to a fashion show by Bethenny and she straight up says “the goal is to meet as many high-profile people as we can.” Not beating the social climber allegations, I see! Bethenny rightfully rags on Alex when she’s being pretentious and says what we’re all thinking regarding Simon; “Tell him he is in the midst of a homosexual panic.” Alex and Simon meet Jill for the first time at the show and you see their eyes light up when she says she knows the owner of a private school in the area.

Ramona’s husband wakes up early to take Avery to school, while Ramona heads off to work to resell overstock clothing. For as crazy as Ramona is, I do appreciate that she instilled in her daughter the importance of high self-esteem and not relying on anyone else for financial security. It’s a good lesson for a young girl! Later, we see Stage Mom Ramona as she takes Avery to a modeling agency to pursue acting.

Ramona: “So Avery, our appointment’s at 10:00 with Marlena.”
Avery: “It’s Marlene, mom.”

Imagine being raised by Ramona Singer, lol. The meeting with Marlene goes well, but Mario is unsure and you can tell Avery is not keen on missing any school. Avery says her priorities are to get really good grades so she can go to a good college and get a job that makes a lot of money. She’s Ramona’s daughter, alright! Ramona later puts her foot in her mouth (won’t be the last time!) at the Alice + Olivia show when she says, “I didn’t want [Avery] to pursue modeling because you don’t really use your brain” — in front of a room full of models and LuAnn, who was a former model herself. *facepalm*

Favorite Moment: Jill storming out of the Luca Luca fashion show because she didn’t get a seat in the front row. “She insulted Luca Luca!” cries Ramona.

Cheers! 🥂

Originally aired March 11, 2008.

We start this episode with Jill, Ally and Bobby getting on a private plane heading to Martha’s Vineyard to drop Ally off at the detox center. Jill says they wanted to try a holistic approach to Ally’s juvenile arthritis. More like she wanted to lose 11 pounds before starting high school, but okay! Once at the detox center, we catch a glimpse of the types of “therapies” that go on there. It was…interesting, to say the least. The camera pans to a giant whiteboard with a list of words like, “probiotics, metaberry/ageless, green drink, juicing, enzymes/soup, aloe, massage.” We watch Ally get some ear coning done and then it’s back to the Hamptons! Jill goes to the Missoni fashion show where we see her hounding photographers to take her photo.

Ramona is also going to the Missoni fashion show and we see Avery conservatively try to style her mom beforehand. She even goes as far as to hide a risqué-looking top she doesn’t want her mom to wear. But Ramona outsmarts her own 12-year-old and stuffs the top in her purse on the way out and changes before the show.

It’s shocking that Mario and Ramona’s marriage did not last, considering the first two episodes consist of a. Ramona thirsting for her shirtless tennis coach, b. Mario not wearing his wedding band while flirting with other women, and c. them having screaming fights while on camera. Mario begins chatting it up with a beautiful woman at the Missoni show and Ramona turns to production and asks, “Is she flirting with my husband?” Breaking the fourth wall episode two? I love it!

But love isn’t dead, folks! We still have Alex and Simon. As obnoxious as they may be, you have to admit that they are made for each other. If their love teaches us anything, it is that there truly is a lid for every pot. These lovebirds are still vacationing in St. Barts with their two boys (and the French au pair).

We see LuAnn being a supportive mother at her daughter’s horse show. Ramona shows up to support wearing a big hat and a floral dress. LuAnn makes a snarky comment about her, saying she probably thought this was one of those big tent days where it’s about the parties. “This is about the horses,” she says. It’s clear that LuAnn considers herself to be in a slightly higher social echelon than the other ladies, and she might be right. (She is a Countess, after all.)

We get a little more of a Bethenny in this episode. She gets ready to go to her boyfriend’s sister’s charity event, where she is donating her cooking classes to the auction. Her friend, Ginny Hilfiger (Tommy Hilfiger’s sister) is helping her get dressed. She speaks more about her relationship with Jason and how badly she wants a child. She also hints at her difficult upbringing in this episode, which we get more clarity on over the years. On top of her relationship, Bethenny is also trying to grow her brand. She has a business meeting this episode to discuss future opportunities. (“I brought the cookies to send to Melania.” I fear this will not be the last Trump family member name-drop we will see this season.)

Later in the episode, Ramona hosts a cooking class with a handful of ladies, including LuAnn. LuAnn clearly does not want to go, but she stops by for a few minutes to be cordial. Jill, however, would have loved to have gone. Ramona’s invite did not extend to Jill, however. This is where our first real Housewife-y drama takes place. She claims she thought Jill went back to the city — a lie, of course. Tensions between Jill and Ramona continue to simmer. I miss when the drama was this low-stakes. 

We end the episode with the much-anticipated tennis match between Jill and Ramona. Jill has paired with LuAnn and Ramona pairs with her friend, Missy, who we will see more of over the years. Jill pulls up in an obnoxious yellow Ferrari. She also invites about 20 people to cheer her on during a casual tennis match. I guess all of these power moves worked because she and Lu ended up winning the match. Bethenny describes Jill as black licorice; you either like it or you don’t. “And I happen to like black licorice!”

Funniest Moment: When Ally comes back from her 8-day detox in Martha’s Vineyard and Jill is patting down her stomach like TSA and crying like she just came back from Afghanistan.

Cheers! 🥂

Originally aired March 4, 2008.

Season 1 Taglines:
Alex: “To a certain group of people in New York, status is everything.”
LuAnn: “I never feel guilty about being privileged.”
Bethenny: “New York City is my playground.”
Jill: “I run with a fabulous circle of people.”
Ramona: “I like making my own money. I find that an aphrodisiac.”

We first meet Ramona Singer, and I’m happy to report that she was completely batshit from day dot! She starts by saying “I’m proud of being sexy,” which is an iconic start to a series. Ramona’s identity this first season is that she’s a businesswoman, selling excess inventory to discount clothing stores. We see her in one business meeting writing notes on a manilla envelope. Her husband, Mario, runs his third-generation family business, True Faith. (I guess they sell things with crosses on them?) She has it all! Hot husband, hot body and a 12-year-old daughter who hates her! Avery is extremely Dakota Fanning in Uptown Girls coded. She basically spends the whole episode eye-rolling her mother and calling her and her friends unladylike while being slightly homophobic.

Next, we meet Jill Zarin. Personally, I love Jill. Is she a social climber obsessed with fame? Of course! But who isn’t on these shows? Jill just can’t hide it very well and she doesn’t want to. She has even said, “I wanted to be famous, and I had no problem telling people that.” You gotta respect it! We also meet Jill’s family; her husband, Bobby, and her 14-year-old daughter from a previous marriage, Ally. Jill wants Ally and Bobby to have a deeper bond, but the awkwardness between the two is pretty palatable. There’s also a pretty uncomfortable scene where Jill is talking to Ally about a detox center (let’s face it, a fat camp) in Martha’s Vineyard because Ally wants to lose weight. She knows the guy who runs it and he wrote a book called How to Lose 21 Pounds in 21 Days… Yikes.

Jill and Ramona are “tennis friends,” whatever that means. According to Jill, they’ve known each other for about five years at this point and interact “minimally.” They plan to have a tennis match in the Hamptons, and while the cast doesn’t interact much during this first episode, you can already start to sense a little animosity between Ramona and Jill here.

Alex McCord and her husband, Simon, are strange. I find them difficult to like, but at the same time, impossible to dislike. Based on their scenes in this episode, I don’t think the editors feel the same. Just about every clip of these two portrays them as codependent, social climbers who are failing miserably at teaching their children French. But, it’s hard to feel too badly for them, as they also give the editors plenty of rope to hang themselves with. Just a few of my favorite quotes of theirs from the first episode:

• “It’s doing your children a disservice if they don’t speak more than one language.”

• “I don’t think either of us would dream of shopping without the other.”

• “When we go to the Hamptons, it’s almost akin to being at work.” (So they go to St. Barts instead because it’s so “European.”)

• “We don’t typically go to beaches in the United States… People tend to cover up more in the U.S.”, voiced over a shot of Alex in a g-string bikini.

Then we meet Bethenny Frankel, pre-Skinny Girl millions. No matter what my opinions of her are today, she truly understood how to be authentic and vulnerable on this show. While the rest of the cast drones on about New York society, she immediately shares her family trauma, relationship struggles, and desire to be a mom. She becomes one of those housewives I love to hate and hate to lose. Some people are just born for reality television. At this point, she is a natural foods chef who works with celebrities to help them get healthier. She gives us normies the lowdown on the Hamptons summer culture and describes it as a “vulgar display of wealth.” In this first season especially, Bethenny often acts as a “viewer surrogate,” in a way. She’s not quite as rich as the other ladies, and despite developing her own arrogance later on, she’s a little more tethered to reality.

LuAnn de Lesseps, much like Ramona, also begins by saying how important she feels it is to be youthful. These early LuAnn years are so fascinating in hindsight. Hunter Harris once pointed out that she gives Marni from Girls in these early seasons (as in, someone who is desperately trying to keep it all together). LuAnn probably has the most extreme character development out of any Housewife we’ve ever seen. When we first meet her, she’s quite unlikable. (Like correcting Bethenny when she introduces her to a driver as “LuAnn” and not “Mrs. de Lesseps”.) But over the years we have really watched her grow — then fall, then pick herself back up again — and become one of the most beloved Housewives across all franchises. If you’re watching for the first time, don’t hold these early seasons against her! That being said, I still enjoyed these early LuAnn years. I loved when she said it was Alexandre's family who gave the Statue of Liberty to the United States and followed it with, “So… that’s pretty outstanding stuff.” Outstanding indeed!

Funniest Moment: Pretty much anything that came out of Alex McCord’s mouth.

Cheers! 🥂

Here’s the deal: I’m in the mood to rewatch the entire Housewives universe from the beginning, something I haven’t done since my first watch. But, because of how my brain works (shoutout to my inability to “enjoy” “things”), I need to turn this rewatch into a little project. It is a lot of content to get through and I need to justify the time investment. And what better way to do that than to turn it into homework for myself?

You can actually learn a lot about yourself by observing how others navigate difficult situations. Sure, we watch these women argue a lot (a lot), but we also see them make up, stand up for themselves in unhealthy relationships, and balance motherhood with entrepreneurship. To quote Reese Witherspoon: “Women’s stories matter. They just matter!” And the stories told through The Real Housewives are no exception.

Because, yes, I respect The Real Housewives. It’s very…the girls who get it, get it, and the girls who don’t, don’t. You can tell immediately who doesn’t. They’re the ones saying they would never watch a bunch of women get drunk and yell at each other. (Ohh, someone’s an iNtElLeCtUaL.) Or they complain about how the women aren’t even housewives. Or they think we’re watching to idolize wealth, beauty, or success. If anything, I think this show highlights the opposite most of the time. Despite their money, good looks, and thriving businesses, these women still face the same struggles we all do. They have marriage problems, parenting challenges, financial woes, and yes, lots of friend drama. Watching them reminds us that no amount of wealth can shield someone from the messiness of life. As Roxanne Gay has once said, “Housewives enables women to interrogate inter-female relations and permits women to be ‘ugly.’” She doesn’t mean physical ugliness, but rather unsavory realities such as infidelity, abuse, divorce, and substance issues.

There are plenty of shows out there about young, bikini-clad gals partying on the beach. But where else can you watch a middle-aged woman navigate the emotional rollercoaster of a divorce on national television? The Real Housewives gives us a glimpse into lives that are unfamiliar. It’s not just entertainment; it’s anthropology! It’s sociology! It’s psychology! And yes, sometimes, it’s just fun chaos.

Let’s mention it all! 🥂